Origin: Spirits of the Past

Because all the cool kids are doing it, I've decided to make an abridged version of this Japanese cartoon I just watched. ARE YOU READY? no? TOO BAD.




ORIGIN: SPIRITS OF THE PAST
Hmm, alright. The trailer had some cool animation going for it at least. If the movie ends up stupid, at least it will look cool, right? I'm sure it'll have the usual Anime hokey-ness, and it doesn't look exactly ground-breaking, but it can't be that bad, right? Sure, why not? Let's check this movie out.



The film starts with some yodeling. Japanese yodeling. It hurts, but I'll push through.

Now there's some weird stuff floating around. Dragon-trees? A giant pumpkin smashed in space?

Uh-oh! Things are about to get wacky! We join two teenagers who are ... racing each other? They almost die about five or six times. Then one lands hard on a rock and it goes right in between the cheeks. Because comedy. Now, the race is over.

Now they're resting in some kind of cave filled with water and stuff.
BOY: I are going to be explore when I grow up more bigger. Like my dad.

BOY2: Okay.


Then some spooky dudes in hoods start banging sticks on the ground. The entire town is alerted for some reason. They weren't supposed to touch the water or something.

LATER
BOY finds big purple thing in cave. He almost dies again. Inside a giant metal tube is a girl. In a totally real and believable, monotone, not at all fake acting voice, she screams, "NO DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALL BY MYSELF!!!!!!"

Then water happens and they have to run. They come across some kind of door with an electronic lock device thingy.


BOY: What do we do?

GIRL: We can do nothing for there is dirt on it."

Then water happens again.

GIRL: I have an idea. I will slam the dirt off with my fist.


This works and they get through the door.

They escape the dreaded water and make it back to the surface. Let me note that BOY is wearing 500 layers of clothing and GIRL is only wearing some kind of hospital gown. At no point does the BOY ever offer her one of his jackets or something.


BOY: Check this out, this is where I live, yo."
The camera pans over some rad scenery of crumbled buildings and ruins.

GIRL: How did this happen?


She's brought to civilization and waits outside the "office" of some OFFICIAL LADY. GIRL is still in hospital gown for some reason.


OFFICIAL LADY: Come in.
They sit down.

OFFICIAL LADY: You're from the past aren't you?

GIRL: How long have I been gone?


OFFICIAL LADY explains something about how the world has become a mess and there are TWO WARRING FACTIONS. These people who found the girl believe in god knows what. Trees or something. - And some other group of people who want to control nature by shooting at it a lot with science. I will refer to them as the GUNPEOPLE.

The movie then kills any and all interest I had by substituting cheap anime character archetypes in lieu of making any small amount of effort to create original, engaging, well-written characters. Congratulations, movie. I'm only 15 minutes in. This is going to be good.


BOY 2: Ey, GIRL, if you don't have a boyfriend, BOY want girl to have. *nudge nudge*

BOY: ARGH CLICHE THOU HAST BESMIRCHED ME.

Gee, I wonder if BOY and GIRL fall in love in this movie. From what I've seen so far, I'm sure it will be handled with the utmost grace and originality.

OTHER GIRL who is part of the wacky gang: I will now get way too close to you and inspect you because *gee* ain't I quirky? Hmm ... Yep, you pass my superficial inspection. You have legs and arms and everything. Way to go.


Then the movie mentions something about a water shortage, the OFFICIAL LADY visits some spooky green forest girl who tells her that the GIRL will end up destroying the forest.


THEN we cut to OTHER GIRL showing GIRL around town.


OTHER GIRL: Yep, we found you in some tube from the past. This is where everything is. Now time to get to work.

GIRL: Okay.
*boop boop*
GIRL: Uh-oh, my neck phone is ringin'. I better ans-

OTHER GIRL: WHAT'S THIS DOO? *slaps neck phone out of GIRL's hand and it lands on the floor.*

GIRL: That's my neck phone.

OTHER GIRL: Okay. Oh, by the way. I am going to marry BOY someday and nobody else. Bye! *runs*

GIRL: okay.


25 minutes and I now officially hate this movie.

GIRL is completely submissive, empty-headed, baby incapable of doing anything but crying because the writers figure she is a woman and has emotions.

Here comes BOY to the rescue GIRL from the BIG MEAN WORLD and fulfill the writer/audience's desire to marry a girl with the brain of a three-year-old.


BOY: It's dangerous out here.

GIRL: I can't do anything *cries* I should just go back to sleep.

BOY: Silly girl. I'll cheer ya up with my charming personality.
Crickets chirp, the wind blows, and somewhere off in the distance, a dog barks. (thanks, Far Side)

GIRL: So I spent some time with OTHER GIRL today.

BOY: Yeah, she's a talker isn't she? AH HAHAHAHAHA!

GIRL: AH HAHAHAHA! (-the first moment GIRL shows any signs of humanity and it is forced.)
(And, you know, OTHER GIRL didn't really talk all that much. She just showed her around.)


in another forest-cave-I-don't-know-what:


BOY: Check dis out. This is my dad. An old man made out of trees or something.

DADTREE: Accept it or go away and sleep in your stupid science tube, GIRL.

GIRL: I need to be alone. *cries*

ME: ?????????


Later:
The BOYS speak to one another.

BOY2: If she leaves then I can't ask her to marry her

BOY: WHAT'RE YOU TALKIN ABOUT????
WAH WAH WAHAWAHWAHWAHHAHAHHAHAHAHUMOR



GIRL is confronted by GUNPEOPLE. GUNPEOPLE MAN steps out from behind GUNS and explains he is also from "the past" like GIRL.

GUNPEOPLE MAN: Join us, yo. I will hold my hand out at you and ask that you join us. I won't even make an argument for our side. Just, like, join us, 'kay?

Then green stuff comes out of the forest to attack them.

GUNPEOPLE MAN: 's okay. I know what I'm doing. He holds his hand out and ... the green stuff stops?

Then BOY comes to rescue. He's thrown aside.

GUNPEOPLE MANS: GIRL, your father's research is the key to fix everything.

GIRL: Okay.

BOY: Don't join him, he's the badguys!

GIRL: No. Bye.


TREEDAD'S HOUSE

TREEDAD: The fate of the forest depends on you now, son.

BOY: Okay.


More later

BOY: I've decided, TREEDAD .... goodbye ... I'm going to the forest.
Umm ...

Later on train:

GUNPEOPLEMAN: Yeah, I used to be one of those loser hippies on the other side. But, like, now I'm not anymore. Yep, that's pretty much my story. Check my cool robot parts.

GIRL: Okay.

GUNPEOPLEMAN: We've arrived at this other place that I'm not sure why we brought you here. We're totally the good guys on the right side.

GIRL: *cough cough* (chokes on all-encompassing smog) okay.

GUNPEOPLEMAN: Yeah, that's the smoke from technology and science.


Hippie tree land:

OTHERGIRL: Waah, BOY went in forest. We must follow him.

OLD DUDE WITH SUNGLASSES: I guess I'm your dad or something, I don't know. Apparently I'm a character, now. Yeah, he went in the forest. That's his decision.

OTHERGIRL: okay.


Forest land:

FOREST: GIRL is evil and will burn the forest down. Try to stop that for us, okay?

BOY: Eh?

FOREST: Yeah. Now you fight for the forest. We're going to dye your hair white, now, okay?

BOY: Wha?


BOY's hair is dyed white and now he has the power to punch stuff really hard and chop buildings in half with his bare hands. BOY does all this. BOY is completely blase about it.
BOY goes to the lair of GUNPEOPLEMAN

BOY: Check out my midriff. Everybody likes male midriff. Let's fill the movie with it from here on. I mean ... come with me GIRL.

GIRL: You're enhanced, now? Why'd you do that?

BOY: Because it's cool. Now come with me.

GUNPEOPLEMAN: Get him.


They capture him and chain him. He wakes up later.

BOY: Where am I?

GIRL: I have to stay here to help the planet.

BOY: But .. uh ... what's going on in this movie, again?

GIRL: I dunno. I'm going to go save the world by cutting down the evil forest, okay?

BOY: YOU CAN'T DO THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

BOY says "THIS" for five minutes. Then trees grow out of his arms and he escapes because, uh ... because.
GUNPEOPLE: Time to shoot guns at him. For humanity.

The GUNPEOPLE escape.


Young, male, teen midriff occurs on the screen for the next ten minutes because I guess that's what Japan is into these days.

Then we go back to the evil GUNPEOPLE

GUNPEOPLEMAN to GUNPEOPLE: I'm going into science-ville HQ, yo and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

GUNPEOPLE: How dare you!


Inside (I guess science-ville HQ ended up being inside a volcano)

SCIENCEDAD: I am the greatest scientific mind there ever was. I have this really good scientific idea. This is how you make the world really cool: You destroy everything. Go ahead and go do that if I didn't get around to it, yet.

GUNPEOPLEMAN: We will use power of volcano to destroy earth. SCIENCEDAD was a genius! Fake science mumbo jumbo blah blah time to destroy the earth. MWAHAHAHA!

GIRL: Ummmm .... Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all?


Train of GUNPEOPLE.

BOY: Here I am to save the day! *exposes midriff to audience.*

GUNPEOPLE: It's a good thing you're here. You can help us stop GUNPEOPLEMAN.

BOY: Alright. You were trying to murder me several minutes ago, but I won't question this. Sure, I'll help.


Inside lair of evil science in volcano.

BOY: HERE I AM TO SAVE THE DAY! *MIDRIFF!*

GIRL: BOY!

BOY : Come with me, GIRL.

GIRL: okay.

BOY picks her up and runs.


Outside of volcano.

GUNPEOPLE: Time to shoot at the volcano. *shrug*
They shoot at the volcano and there are a bunch of explosions.
The volcano fights back with guns of its own.


INSIDE VOLCANO OF EVIL SCIENCE a fight between midriff boy and GUNPEOPLEMAN happens. GIRL sits around and cries. BOY turns into a super-saiyin for some reason. And then he's a tree. And I guess this traps GUNPEOPLEMAN for some reason. GIRL runs to stop the evil science. BOY says goodbye and bares his midriff to the audience one last time.

GIRL stops the evil science plan by .. I don't know. Crying at the computers or something stupid.
Volcanic rocks shoot out of the volcano. Then that OLD DUDE WITH SUNGLASSES from way back jumps up in the air and punches one. Yep.


Cut back to the inside of the volcano
GIRL: BOY come back! I saved the world and stuff. I'll never leave you again.
She cries and slams her fists on the BOY tree.

The movie starts yodeling again. The clouds part and BOY is standing around, just chillin' I guess. He turns and sees his father.

GUNPEOPLEMAN: Yeah, I'm here, too. Don't worry about me. It's all cool now. Go back to

GIRL. She's waiting for you.

DAD: Feh.

Then BOY hatches from a tree egg or some garbage and comes back to life inside the volcano with GIRL.

BOY: Humans and the forest can live together as one. That was the whole point of this film. Get it? Midriff!

GIRL: Okay.

The Volcano erupts and they leave.
A really horrible song plays and the credits roll.
THE END.

Here's the EVEN MORE abridged version:

BOY: I found you in a tube.
GIRL: Okay. This place is dullsville, I'm going with the cool guys with the guns.
BOY: NO YOU'RE NOT.
GIRL: Okay. I love you, now.
VOLCANO: !!!!!!!!!